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Updating this blog. I love it so, the name rocks (Thanks Ally),  The site rocks (Thanks Wordpress), and I rock ( Thanks Dad’s Penis and Mom’s Vagoo).

I just somehow can’t seem to remember to update it.  My phone even had an app that allowed me to update it anytime, yet here I am…sitting with my thumb in my pee hole, and my pee hole in my thumb.

I will continue to try to update this on at least a monthly basis, but knowing my retarded self I will forget. I shall put reminders on my phone for updating, and the second it rings I will think about coming here to update…and hit snooze.

Now that the formalities are done with I need to update with adventures since my last update.

I have traveled the world, with my faithful sidekick Monseigneur Francisco Estrella. We have covered the world from top to bottom, from left to right, from Tommy’s mouth to his anus.

Here are the pictures of our journey:

The Picture above is Africa.  If you look closely at the tip of the mountain Frank is mooning you.

This is The Bahamas, Surprisingly there is no water, nor are there Bahamians there.  It was just Frank and I.  If you look that end of the tree, Frank is mooning you.

This is Beard’s house.  We took the grand tour and he made us take off our clothes and consequently we were raped.  This was also were we decided to end our balloon trip across the world,  for fear of further rape.  If you look closely by the leaves.  Frank is mooning you.

All in all I would give this trip a score 14,232 out of 14,232.  Frank and I have souvenirs for anyone who asks. We managed to pee on a tree in every country.  Apparently Nector followed us halfway through the journey and was stopped in Mozambique  for being too loud and arrested for solicitation of intercourse with a sloth.  We couldn’t afford the bail so, he’s probably still there.

Big shout out goes to Beard for loosening my Stool, to Frank for helping me moon the world, mini chuong for keeping us company, and to my girlfriend for pooping on my chest.

Cheers!

Know what I’m good at?

Complaining.

I can’t stand when I’m not right…that’s why I stopped.  I haven’t done it in millennium… falcons.  But since I’m always right, I tend to have many gripes with the amount of people who are wrong.

Take for instance Taco Bell, I order something. They fulfill my order incorrectly… Then it’s over for them.  Called corporate, and complained until I got a free voucher.  But that wasn’t enough.  Revenge for incorrect orders must be had, and who else to do it then my alter ego… The amazing Namuel Pants.  Imagine Supermans strength, the Flash’s Speed, Aqua man’s ability to drink water, Robin’s incessant need to whine, the green lanterns ring laser, Wonder woman’s super ability to change inside phone booths, and spiderman’s spider sense… I have none of those.  What I do have is hatred, towards the taco bell initiative.

So with my 4 superhero friends, Beard the bearded, Hau the howlitzer, Frank the chin strap, and Nector the Juicy Fruit…we broke into the taco bell headquarters against the evil corporation.

Step 1: Break In.

5/27/10

- Frank the Chin strap-  Hurls rock at big window.  No effect

-Nector the Juicy fruit- Hurls two rocks at big window.  Alarm sounds.

-RUN

5/28/10 – Break in- continued.

Beard the bearded – Hurls rock at big window. No effect

Hau the Howlitzer – Farts.  No effect on window.  Gagging Insues

Nector the Juicy Fruit. – Shits in hand, throws at window. No effect

Frank the Chin Strap – Shoots 50 cal sniper rifle at window.  Glass shatters

All – “why didnt you do that from the get go?”

Frank the Chin strap- ierno?

Step 2: Enter building

All – Entered.

Step 3: Avoid or take care of security personnel

- Guard dogs run at us

Beard the bearded – Pulls out steak from underwear.  Throws, guard dogs follow steak.

All - ” wtf”

-Security guards come at us with batons… too bad they are fast security guards that are zombies

Me – pulls out 4 Katanas and a bottle opener. Hands to everyone except beard. Beard does not accept bottle opener. Instead pulls out another steak from pants (medium rare) sits, and begins eating.  Beard – out-

All – chops up zombies into parts.  Tired, sweaty, and bloody.  Beard Rejoins party.

Step 4: Infiltrate recipe room

- surrounded by lasers, light sensors, sound sensors, a burmese python and a siamese kitten.

Frank the Chin strap – Pulls out a poison dart, throws at kitten. Kitten dead.

Nector the Juicy Fruit – pulls out a hot wheels car out of anus.  Gives to python. Python chokes. Dies.

Hau the Howlitzer – manuevers all the way across the room without setting off single sensor.  Amazing.

Me – Hurls rock at light sensor. Alarm sounds.

All – RUN towards recipe room.

Step 5: Modify Taco Recipe

All - check filing cabinets, Beard the bearded finds recipe.

Beard the Bearded- Who has a pencil or pen?

-Silence.

All – ” fuck”

All- RUN.

Break in- Continued (day 3)

5/29/10

See steps 1-5, suprisingly, it happened exactly as it did the prior night.

Me – Modifies recipe to include 1 extra gram of salt per 100 lbs of meat.

All – LAUGH MANIACALLY!

All – Run

: MISSION COMPLETO:

So next time you decide to buy taco bell and you get a little bit thirstier, you can thank the Fantabalous 5 for wasting extra beverage!

We fuckin showed them who’s boss. Fuckin Tony Danza.

So, after I found out my friend Ally broke her leg cause of some lazy mexicans who dont want to shovel the road, I decided I’m going to represent people against, lazy fuckers and pieces of dick smeg.

I’ve gone and opened up my own my own unoffical, unlicensed, opinionated, legal informational service.

What I offer that no other service can offer, is simulations of what will happen in court.  almost 97% accurate.

Lets take my first case simulation from Ally’s case.

Monday, May 3rd 2010  Estimated time 11:15am

Location: Union County Courthouse

(P)Plaintiff:  Oohlie Crabcakes Nogginz ( Ally)

(NTP)Legal Information Clerk for Plantiff: The Honored guy Namuel T. Phanson

(D) Defendants:  Lazy ass bitch hoes.

(J)Judge: Samuel L. Jackson

[ cop guy: All rise for Honorable Judge Samuel L Jackson]

(J) Why are there so many fucking standing people in my mother fucking courtroom, sit the fuck down

(J) Explain this shit bitches, you first

(NTP) your honor, I am here to represent the plaintiff, in this case.

(J) cool beans bitch, explain what happened

(NTP) Well lets get started, first off. There is to be no bullshit. We dont want no bullshit, you know you want some big black dick.

(J) Damn, thats what the fuck im talking about.

(D) Judge, um

(J) SHUT YOUR DICK-HOLE, DIDNT YOU HEAR HIM.  NO, FUCKING, BULLSHIT. Sit your ass down and take a shit bitch.

(NTP) So Ally was coming home from stopping an armed robbery, saving dogs from a fire, and bitch kicking some gangs in the taint.  She got out her car, and bam, mother fucking bitches at the complex put extra ice under her car. Slipped, fell and broke her shit man.

(J) Damn, how much compensation are you looking for you fucking awesome ass kinda- lawyer guy?

(NTP) One billion million

(J) Fuck that, you deserve more.  RULING IN FAVOR OF THE PLAINTIFF FOR TWO BILLION MILLION, and ONE TRILLION FOR NAMUEL T PHANSON, MOTHER FUCKER MAKES MY DICK HARD.

(D) But!

(J) SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHO DA FUCK ASKED YOU.  BAILIFF HOLD THEM IN CONTEMPT.  HOPE YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR SHIT CHERRY POPPED FAGGOTS. GET THOSE DICK BEATERS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

* Bam, shots fired. Baliff stands over a steaming double barrel.  -Dead Defendants*

(Baliff) Yippe ki yay mother fucker.  [BALIFF TURNS OUT TO BE BRUCE FUCKING WILLIS]

-Receive money immediately after leaving court from men in suits with suitcases.

/Simulation

And there we have it.

Since the Last time I blogged on snow…and we determined it was gay, I’ve come to a realization.

Not only is snow homosexual, its for faggots too!

The word of the week is geared towards snow:  Eatadick.

Lets go buy a huge tent to cover up all of nj, cause faggots like snow. Bye bye faggots.

Problem solved no more snow, no more homosexuals.

Man I’m a genius penis.

P.S. pumpernickel cock

So, I’m on the crapper as we speak. There is a solid huge mass of a log that is encrusted on my insides. Does it hurt? Not really, is it taking extra effort? Fuck yeah.

I don’t really understand what I eat that gives it this ‘dirty sock cooked stuffed with hairy half eaten remains of a bison that a lion ate’ smell. I mean today I had pizza and a sammiches…. God it reeks.

Anyways I think summer olympics 2012, shittting should be a sport. This sport is straining, the forces exerted by your stomach, and your brown ring are quite amazing.

The event will go as follows:
1. Anesthesia the contender.
2. Compress a 1lb angel food cake into a ball the size of an average grapefruit. This will be called the baseball puck.”bp” (weight of puck, shape of baseball)
3. Insert into contenders anus.
4. Wake up contender.
5. Excrete bp.

Judging will go as follows:
10 points total
3 points – velocity
3 points – speed
3 points – solidity
1 point – overall smell.

All winners will recieve brown medals.

Holy mother fucking dog cocks. Slimey red stenchy dog dicks, I’m posting from my phone.
It’s shit like this that makes technology slide that theoretical metal dong into my tight hairy juicy bunghole.

Here’s my word of the day:
Penitormated ( pee-night-tour-mated) verb.
The act of rubbing a robots dong with astroglide cock juice.

Guy1: Where was Hau last night?
Guy2: Ha! He went to the shopping plaza, rented a real doll, and penitormated.
Guy1: Fuck, my dick is hard.

Dr. Michael van Winkleburger once said, to believe is to be faggot.

Well I found it, the root to all faggot. Dictionary.com and its fucking faggot nutswingers.  Apparently, there is a new phenomenon occurring within the English language…faggotry.

For example  quoted from the Dictionary.com

ar⋅gu⋅ment

[ahr-gyuh-muhnt] Show IPA

–noun

1. an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention; altercation: a violent argument.

Fucking WRONG.  FAGGOTS and DICK FAGGOTS believe this horse donkey shit.

Quoted from a real source.

Dr. Samuel T Sockdicknonfaggot

ar⋅gue⋅ment

[ahr-gyuhe-muhnt] Show IPA

–noun

1. an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention; altercation: a violent argument.
Non-faggot version.  Jan-20-1632
English motherfucker. Learn it.

Know what’s the bee’s knee’s?

Monkey dick.

Yeah you heard me right, Monkey Dick.  Tiny, smelly, unkempt, fuckin monkey dick.

What does this have to do with anything?  Not a damn thing. Don’t like it? Go down the street and stick to your rhino gonads, faggot.

What isn’t great about this 11th wonder of the world? sweet tangy, delicious sweet and sour chicken?

Man, I love lo mein, hate the f’in veggies in it, but love the lo mein and meat.

Know what else I hate?

Monkey dick.

God…err son of god.  Thanks to the guy who wasnt actually born on Dec 25th as my wonderful gf says.

He gives us joy, and happiness and t-shirts and $50 gift cards for the win.

But thank Jesus, 2009 is almost over. This year is horrendous. It smells like dead shrimp, tastes like beards starfish, and feels like paper dipped in tar with glass embedded in it rubbing against your private parts.

2010, the decade of a new start.  I insert my…coins into a vending machine with dongs in it.  The warm juicy tasty pus..filled jelly donuts.  The excited hard like a rock…candy.

As a gorilla once said, GIVE ME LIFE, LIBERTY AND WILL SMITH’S PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS ON BLU RAY!

btw 2009, go eat a dick.

Tuesday, on a sunny day in the middle of December.

It’s a time for celebration, a great one that comes but once a year, called Kwanza.  The african rhino’s holiday.

I know, Hippos also celebrate it, but who gives two dog dicks about those fat marshmallow toothed bitch ass hoes? I know I don’t.
But, as people once said in indiana.  Give a man a rat, and he will eat it.  Show him how to hunt rats, and take him to the emergency room for a spear through the thigh.  Sure I’m talking nonsense, but guess what?  I can, it’s MY blog. Be jealous, or be hard and wet for water enriched with calcium.

Anyways, Since I haven’t done it in a while:

Word of the week in Decemeber:

Sarnufighauer (sar-new-fig-how-ar) verb. (Origin: germany ~1692 A.D.)

The act of defecating on leaves covered in snow, and wrapping afterwards to present to a person of asian origin as a fried spring roll.

“Ha, that big german chick just popped a squat behind that rock, and I saw her hand that chink, Hau, something to eat.

Oh mai gawd, she sarnufighauered that thing after she ate huge ass plate of bratwursts!  Nasty!”